Mario C Davis 1977 Mario C Davis 1977 is offline

Chapter 1 will be up soon after I finish working some key characters in another story in to it. Then figure out how
to bridge them all together.

to the ones who have read my story here i chose to pull it and rework it some. I'll re-post it once I get it fixed to my liking and it should be better. I also have two other stories that are linked to my first story.

I'm sorry for your loss, truly.

I'm sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?

You should be able to go to your story and click edit.

I'm not answering that. I don't give out private information to strangers.

apologies, haven't been feeling well lately which I why I haven't been on/communicated much lately.

If you look at books and other pieces of writing, you'll see that there's rarely any paragraphs with more than one character speaking in it. This is done to help the reader keep track of who is speaking.

Another issue seems to be how you do a time jump at the end of your chapter, and than it gets hard to follow from there. What is the need to explain the character's future right away when you intend to explore their past through more chapters?

What's your Deviant Art account?

I'll be honest, your work has a number of problems from what I'm seeing.

-Multiple people talking in the same paragraph
-Story speed is way to fast and jumps all over the timeline
-Chapter 1 is just short.

Ways you can fix this:

-Introduce the characters in chapter 1. Don't do it like a bio though, do it in the story one at a time and stick to things like appearance (Hair/eye color, size, clothes) and little things about how they act/their personalities.

-Include character expressions every once in a while, helps the readers mentally picture it better.

-Put in a bit more detail of their movements. "He walked down the hallway to the nurses office." Instead, use this: "He stomped down the hallway towards the nurse's office, unhappy about his accident. His mood hadn't improved by the time he arrive."

-Expand upon how the characters feel (like above sentence).

-Just add a bit more content to the story/chapter.

Hope this helps.

I don't see them in the approval section...tell me, did you increase the length of your chapters? Might be why the mods deleted it/them.

Character speech is usually identified by being between these; "". For example...

"That's okay, I have a spare change of clothes in the nurse's office." Nichole said.

I'd suggest reading some of the stories on this site, specifically those written by people who have their own section, and you'll be able to see what's expected of posters. I'm trying to get a rule list in regards to what's expected of stories approved, but have had little luck thus far.