It is never a matter of whether or not I like stories here. There just has to be some kind of guidelines to follow or else aspiring writers will not be able to learn. And your story being in first person has nothing to do with anything. It's the formatting that's killing readability.
I'll give you an example. Read this:
“Damn it!” I said aloud. I was about to storm off when I saw the lights inside the store turn on. At first I was confused, but after looking at the windows, I noticed a sign: “Clearance Sale! Everything Must Go! Make a Deal!” Then the sound of a gate being raised could be heard. It couldn’t have been! “Good morning, sir!” a redheaded sales clerk said with a smile. “You’re open?”
Then read this:
“Damn it!” I said aloud.
I was about to storm off when I saw the lights inside the store turn on. At first I was confused, but after looking at the windows, I noticed a sign: “Clearance Sale! Everything Must Go! Make a Deal!” Then the sound of a gate being raised could be heard. It couldn’t have been!
“Good morning, sir!” a redheaded sales clerk said with a smile.
“You’re open?”
It's the same exact excerpt, but the formatting makes readability better. Spelling/grammar aside, this is what I'm talking about. I also made a thread to help writers:
https://diaperedanime.com/forum/showt...381/index.html
I cannot go in and edit everyone's stories alone, because then I'd be overwhelmed.
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