A.I.: Abduction & Infantilism (Private with Diapered Avenger)

[GreaterGood]

Janine Slater flicked her curly blond hair out of her face, revealing a pair of pitch-black sunglasses that went with her ash-gray suit. She looked out the window of her unmarked black van, tapping her pitch-black earpiece to hear the radio chatter. Today, an Unidentified Flying Object crashlanded in the middle of a suburban town, and it was Jane's job as an agent of the Alien Investigation Organization to, well... investigate.

Jane removed her pistol as she approached the wrecked ship... only to find it wasn't wrecked at all. As a matter of fact, the crater had cleaned itself up between when the initial pictures were taken and right now, apparently, as it looked more landed than crashed. As she walked up the driveway of the house that used to occupy the area, she saw the space ship... flicker? A holographic light seemed to grow around it as a form reminiscent of the surrounding houses in the neighborhood.

"Command," She said, putting a finger to her earpiece, "The vessel seems to be equipped with some sort of holographic cloaking mechanism."

Static. There was no response. She shrugged, lifting her pistol back up and making her way to the door. She twisted the handle to find that it was unlocked, proceeding to the inside of the "house."

Whatever disguise had cropped up around the house did not extend to the interior. The circular chamber she found herself in was completely made of a shimmering blue metal, covered in odd red studs with white trim. There were several sliding doors into other rooms, and an elevator in the center that presumably lead to the bridge. Most concerning, however, was the airlock on the other side of the false door that Jane had entered from. It had sealed shut.

Rising from the floor was a cylindrical pod containing a shadowy humaoid figure connected to several pipes. Large eyes lit up, displaying screens written in english. Was whatever this was absorbing... the internet? Going up to the pod, she closed one eye and opened the other, seeing page upon page of Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Britannica, Webster's Dictionary, and every other possible informational site flash in each lens for mere seconds before suddenly glowing bright red. She held up her gun, stumbling back as the pod started to open, filling the chamber with ominous smoke.

[Diapered Avenger]

The figure that stepped out was clearly mechanical in nature. She was made of a shiny steel alloy with red paint. Her attire called to mind a stereotypical housewife with a pastel dress and high heels. After spending almost ten whole seconds absorbing knowledge, she began to speak.

"¡Saludos ser humano! Por favor, deja tu juguete."

The fleshy creature didn't seem to understand her.

"Riesci a capirmi in questa lingua? So che la tua gente ne ha più di uno."

Still no response.

"これですか？近づいたら教えてください。"

This specimen must be one of the dumb ones, so she should probably use the language the least intelligent on this planet use.

"Greetings, human being! Please put down your toy."

[GreaterGood]

"What the..." Jane said, lowering her gun slightly in awe before raising it back up, "Freeze! Stop right where you are!"


It didn't matter how historic or important first contact was supposed to be. She had a job, and that was to assess the situation and affirm the authority of humanity.


"I'm assuming you understand english? I saw you downloading human web-pages," Jane barked, "So you probably know what a gun is! I'm not afraid to use it if you take so much as one more step in my direction!"

[Diapered Avenger]

The robot stood there, but she didn't seem to be threatened at all. "It took me a few seconds, but I learned your language." The robot answered. "As for your weapon, it's essentially a toy by my kind's standards." A robotic tentacle popped out from her back and shot a laser into the air. "See?"

[GreaterGood]

At the firing of the laser, Jane let multiple rounds loose directly into the robot's chest. She dumped her entire magazine into her, the slid popping back and the gun clicking as it could fire no more.


"I don't care if that didn't hurt you!" Jane exclaimed, "But I want you to know that earth is deadly serious about its sovereignty! The second I can contact my superiors, I can have them drop an atom bomb right on top of your house! That should at least make a dent!"

[Diapered Avenger]

The robot stared flatly at Janine as the metal pellets harmlessly bounced off her, not even scratching her paint job. "I'm sorry, was that supposed to hurt?" She asked, crossing her arms in an annoyed manner. Even the threat of an atom bomb didn't phase her. "You people still think nuclear bombardment is the ultimate weapon? Dear Maker, you really are a backwater planet."

[GreaterGood]

"I don't care how ultimate it is or isn't," Jane growled, reaching for another magazine from the inside of her suit jacket, "But that should at least put a little dent in your craft!"


Jane's watch started to beep as she clicked a dial on the side of it. Suddenly, a loud noise followed by the violent shaking of the craft shook both of them.


"Consider that a warning!" She said, "AIO has a lot more where that came from!"


As that happened, another feminine voice started blaring from the inside of the ship.


"WARNING," It said in a loud-yet-calm tone, "MINOR DAMAGE SUSTAINED IN HYPERDRIVE. INCAPABLE OF FASTER-THAN LIGHT TRAVEL. ALL OTHER SYSTEMS FULLY FUNCTIONAL."

"HA!" Jane exclaimed, "Backwater my ass!"

[Diapered Avenger]

The robot saw the damage to her ship and glared at Jane, her eyes glowing red in anger. "What did you do?" She asked venomously. Another robotic arm stretched out to grab Jane. "And answer honestly if you don't want your tush to turn red." As she said this, another robotic arm took out a metal paddle, clearly meant for Jane.

"Rose, begin diagnostic and deploy repair drones." The robot ordered as she walked around to see what else happened to her ship.

"YES, MASTER SCARLET." Her ship's AI replied.

[GreaterGood]

"What?" Jane smirked, "I thought our weapons were toys to you? That was far from the biggest thing in our arsenal and it seemed to... hey, wait, what are you doing with thaaaAAAAAA!!!"

Jane yelped as she felt the arm wrap around her wrist. Then the paddle came out.



"I had a drone fire small munitions at the top of your ship with my concealed communicator!" Jane hastily responded, "Believe me, I didn't mean to break anything! It's in my best interest this thing is preserved for salvage!"

"NO MAJOR DAMAGE TO ANY OTHER SYSTEMS SUSTAINED," "Rose" said, "WARNING: NEW ADOPTION-WORLD OUT OF COMMUNICATION NETWORK RANGE. UPGRADE TO COMMUNICATOR REQUIRED. ADDING "CURRENT CONDITION: STRANDED" TO SHIP LOGS."

[Diapered Avenger]

"Didn't your human designer ever tell you not to break other people's belongings?" Scarlet asked ominously as the other arm raised the paddle. "I think you need to be taught a lesson." Yet another robot arm extended out with a syringe in its hand. "I normally save this for the subjects I take in, but I believe you've earned this, as a treat." She injected the needle into Jane's arm.

As the drug took effect on Jane's nervous system, Scarlet focused on repairing her ship. "Rose, commence repair sequence on the communication sensor." She ordered. "Also, get out the supplies for a new subject. I don't want her to make a mess."